The Daily Prophet
by FinallyCracked
Summary: A selection of Daily Prophets recording the main events in the AU role-play of the Teachers' Lounge. What will you make of it? Just not sensible at all.
1. Chapter 1

**THE DAILY PROPHET**

**The Witch Who Saved the World!**

**Andromeda Tonks - Order of Merlin, First Class!**

In the febrile atmosphere of the Wizengamot, following the suicide of Albus Dumbledore (see below), Draco Malfoy, Counsel for Our Drommie, set out for the court the events leading up to the death of the wizard known as Lord V - V - Voldemort. Our Drommie was accused of the use of an Unforgiveable Curse - the Avada Kedavra.

In a surprise turn of events, Lord Baron Snape asked to give evidence and advised the court under Veritaserum that Lord V - V - Voldemort was, in fact, no more than a revenant who had been raised by Necromancy by Peter Pettigrew. It followed that Our Drommie could not have killed that which was already dead, but, in fact, disposed of something little better than an Inferius.

The court in full session declared her to be a heroine of the first order and ... (continued on pages 2, 3, 4, 5, 6 and 10)

**Dumbledore Explodes in the Wizengamot**

Albus Dumbledore, 118, of Godric's Hollow and Headmaster of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft & Wizardry, blew up in the middle of the main court room yesterday.

The Wizarding Coroner pronounced suicide by internal Bombarda and stated, "Albus must have been really cross about something. We will probably never know why."

His place as Headmaster of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft & Wizardry will be taken by unanimous vote of the Wizengamot and Board of Governors by Lord Baron Severus Snape, seen right shaking hands with Lord Baron Potter Black, Harry Potter, who it is hoped with take up the position of Defence against the Dark Arts Professor. Our Harry is considering all his options.

For more pictures of Our Harry and the lovely Mrs. Potter (25, pink haired, 34-23-34) with her parents, Our Drommie and Our Ted, see pages 2, 3, 4, 5, 6.

**In Other News**

The Bill of Werewolf Rights, sponsored by Lord Baron Snape, following a simplistic proposal by a former pupil, will have its first reading in session next week.

Disgraced former Defence against the Dark Arts Professor, Remus Lupin, 40, a werewolf who ran riot on the grounds of Hogwarts with the permission of the late Professor Dumbledore, has been invited to address the session.

It is understood from reports that Mr. Lupin courted popularity with his young pupils and currently cohabits with a women who was a 13 year old pupil when he first met her. It is also reported that he gave private lessons without a chaperone to the 13 year old Boy Who Lived during ... (continued on page 7 and see Editorial: "Why LBS and LBPB are Wrong to Trust Werewolves")

New Children's Wing at St. Mungo's has been funded by Lord Baron Snape.

"Now I am a proud father by adoption," said Snape (40), "and the world is safe following the disposal of Tom Riddle by my friend, Andromeda, we can all focus on what is truly important. I hope this new wing will provide ... (continued over)


	2. No 2

**SPECIAL EDITION**

**THE DAILY PROPHET**

**Serial Killer on the Loose!**

Aurors baffled as the Old Duffer Killer continues to haunt the Magical World.

Following the death of Aberforth Dumbledore, 114, disgraced goat fancier of Hogsmeade, and the discovery of the mutilated remains of Nicholas and Perenelle Flamel (670 and 645) in Chipping Sodbury, another death has been chalked up to this phantom menace. Elphias Doge, 112, writer and broadcaster, was found with his neck snapped horribly at his home.

Mr. Ronald Weasley of the Office of Magical Law Enforcement stated that, although magic had not been used in this last murder, blood at the scene was thought to be that of the perpetrator who the victim clearly knew and had tried to care for. Tests will be conducted to ascertain the magic signature in the blood which should prove conclusive.

See pages 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 9, 11-56 for gory details of the killings.

See our science section of p. 312 for an in-depth examination of magical blood signatures.


	3. Chapter 3

**THE DAILY PROPHET**

**COMMEMORATIVE EDITION**

It is with great sadness, the Editor and Staff of The Daily Prophet reports the terrible murder of the paper's star reporter Rita Skeeter, 48, and her daughter, Annie, 13, at the hands of the re-named Formic Acid Killer.

The lovely Rita (see picture right) worked for The Daily Prophet from the age of 18 when she left Hogwarts (Ravenclaw House) with full academic honours and joined the staff as a junior reporter. She was the paper's star reporter covering the Death Eater Trials of the early 1980s, and the tragic TriWizard Cup. Her fame was assured with her exhilarating, no-holds-barred expose of the life and times of Headmaster Armando Dippet in her blockbuster, _Armando Dippet: Master or Moron _(collectible commemorative editions of which are available for purchase tomorrow, published by Prophet Publications & Enterprises).

She was working on a new expose of the late Albus Dumbledore and investigations are underway to find her extensive notes on his life and career. (Continued on pages 2, 3, 4, 9, 12)

Annie Skeeter was a popular member of Hufflepuff House and Editor of _The Hufflepuff Herald_, house magazine. Professor Pomona Sprout, her eyes glistening with tears for her popular student's life cut so tragically short, stated that ... (Continued on page 5 & 6)

**Other Murders**

The heartless murders of mother and daughter were the culmination of a killing spree by the Formic Acid Killer. In addition to the previously reported murders, Jedediah Blake, the Head of Magical Adoptions, was found dead at his home in Deal, and some 15 Muggles died somewhere else, but luckily there were no magical injuries in that minor incident.

Rumours abound that the Formic Acid Killer's identity has been discovered through magical blood tracing, but all sources at the Ministry are unusually tight-lipped about this. The only information the Prophet has discovered is that Lord Baron Snape has filed a magical eye witness statement with the Wizengamot because he will be unavailable for any trial, but its contents are sealed. We tried to contact Lord Baron Snape but were unable to reach him for comment.

Mr. Ron Weasley of the Department of Magical Law Enforcement was not available for comment, but we were advised that all Aurors are still working on this case.

The Daily Prophet DEMANDS that the Wizarding public of Great Britain is kept informed with all due expedition of the actions being taken to apprehend this monstrous murderer!

Gruesome full colour pictures of shredded Muggles are at pages 10 & 11.

Editorial on the back page: **Why the Formic Acid Killer must be Kissed!**

**_'Me, Myself & I'_**

The phenomenally successful column will continue under the capable stewardship of our dear departed Rita's protégée, Miss Marietta Edgecombe. Marietta (pictured right), 20, pretty and bubbly is a ... (Read more on pages 7 & 8)


	4. Part IV

**THE TIMES**

**U.S. SENATE AND CONGRESS DISSOLVED!**

**NEW ABSOLUTE MONARCH TO BE INSTALLED!**

**All former Presidents and Vice-Presidents to be tried for Sedition and Treason**

The world was rocked by the news proclaimed by the United States of America overnight that its Senate and Congress had unanimously voted to declare itself redundant following the resolution to institute an absolute monarchy.

A spokesman (now the Keeper of the Privy Seat [sic]) confirmed, "We have tried the democratic model now for some years, but it's really not very effective. We don't really want the constitutional monarchy you folks in England have. It's a bit watered down for us. We like to have boundaries that are solid, visible and immutable ... (continued on page 16)

The heir to the throne of the United States of America is a young British nobleman, Lord-Baron Potter-Black. Lord-Baron Potter-Black is Harry James Potter, 20, of Little Whinging, Surrey, and of a distinctly lower middle-class background. One can only imagine the flamboyancy Lord-Baron Potter-Black and his esteemed good lady wife (with the charming name of Nymphadora) will bring to the, some would say, already rather vibrant young country.

We at _The Times_, with our sister publication, Debrett's _Guide of Etiquette for the Noveau Riche Arriviste_, will be on hand to assist. (See our colour supplement _When Commoners Ascend! _for an in-depth analysis of the diplomatic trials such an unprepared and gauche couple will face.)

Of course, if Lord-Baron Potter-Black agrees to ascend to the Throne of the United States of America, he must abdicate all of his titles and lands here in the United Kingdom which will then pass to his nearest blood relative. If no such relative exists, then they will be forfeit to the Crown. It is established law that no peer of this realm, this sceptre'd isle, may hold allegiance to any other than the monarch of the United Kingdom. Genealogists are currently working on the Potter-Black family tree with the assistance of the Special Ministry. (continued on pages 13-18)

* * *

**THE DAILY PROPHET**

**A Former Colony's Attempts to STEAL Harry Potter from Us**

It has come to light that the Muggle government of America has offered to institute a monarchy with Harry Potter as its King.

Of course, Harry Potter (20) and his beautiful wife, Nymphadora (38-20-34), have been King and Queen of our Hearts for years now, and Wizarding Britain IMPLORES Harry not to desert us for foreign climes and strangers' ways.

The loyalty of this paper to Harry Potter has never been in question, but we respectfully remind Our Harry that the country that seeks to bask in the reflected glory and prestige of Our-Boy-Who-Lived is a hotbed of Muggle terrorism on Wizardkind! They have a whole state that stands as testament to and is a by-word for the murder and abuse of witches and wizards by Muggles. It would only be a matter of time before they discover Our Harry and his family are magical and the consequences would be devastating. Ministry attorneys are investigating the implications on the Statute of Secrecy as a matter of urgency.

The consequence for Magical Britain will be immediate: the law states that Our Harry will lose all of his titles and his hard-won seats on the Wizengamot as he will no longer be a subject of this magical land. Who can possibly replace him? (For possible candidates, see pages 6-7.)

Lord Lucius Malfoy, recently discovered alive, has commented, "Of course, we Malfoys have stood the test of time with the length of service to wizarding Britain. We will always strive to do our very best for this country, and this country alone."

We contacted the Office of the Minister of Magic, Arthur Weasley, for comment. Mr. Weasley was unavailable but this paper is assured that top level discussions are taking place as this goes to press and Mr. Weasley will have a statement for us shortly (see pages 2, 3, 4, 8, and 9 for further discussion of this disaster; for an opposing view: _Why Losing Harry Potter and his Friends is No Loss_, by Marietta Edgecombe, see paragraph 31 on page 48)


	5. Chappie 5

**THE DAILY PROPHET**

**Confusion Reigns!**

There is still no word from Our Harry about whether he will accept the offer of the Crown of the United States of America, or whether he will do the right thing and remain here amongst those of us who love him and have nutured him for all these years.

However, it may be that we do not need to worry after all. There have been rumours circulating, believed to have originated from the Department of Unintended Consequences, that Harry Potter is, in fact, not first in line to the throne. The rumours have not yet been fully confirmed but it would appear that Our Harry is - in fact - the youngest of triplets. Two older brothers exist, named Barry and Larry, but their whereabouts and whether they have chidlren are currently unknown.

The Daily Prophet is offering** A REWARD** of one thousand Galleons for information leading to the unmasking of the true King of America.

Help us find Barry and Larry Potter. (continued on pages 2, 3 & 4)

Our legal researchers are also looking the various titles and desmesnes that Harry Potter currently holds, for surely, if Our Harry is the youngest of three Potter triplets, how could Gryffindor Sound have recognised him as the legitimate heir? One of our researchers has suggested that perhaps the Potters used Ultimogeniture magical heredity. (More about magical genealogy on pages 5 & 6)

In other news, Lord Baron Snape, having successfully brought into law the Werewolf Rights Act (including employment, schooling, marriage and means-tested Wolfsbane), has introduced a new bill before the Wizengamot for the recognition of the rights of merpeople and associated marine beings and beasts. This is to be heard ... (details on the werewolf legislation are on page 394; details of the merpeople see page 21; see editorial: _Aquatic Rights? Sounds Fishy to Us_)


	6. VI

_Very small item in back of latest Quibbler:_

**HARRY POTTER TO BECOME KING OF AMERICA, WORLD?**

Sources at The Quibbler have learned that Lord Baron Potter-Black Harry James Potter (BWL, Voldemort Vanquisher, Order of Merlin, Auror, Winner of Several Best Buns Awards) has been offered the title of King of America. Even more, there are forces at work, shadowy forces that use the magical governments of the world as their puppet states, and these groups are ready to name Lord Baron Potter-Black King of the World!

While being named King of the World will no doubt involve substantial amounts of Galleons and untold secrets such as how Nargles hide amongst us, it is the opinion of the Quibbler that the offer of the throne of America is simply an attempt for those shadowy forces to exert control over Lord Baron Potter-Black. Why do they want to control him? Is it the hidden prophecy that he will unite the world through raspberry jam? Hasn't Lord Baron Potter-Black done enough already?

Give the man a moment or two of peace! _**LEAVE HARRY ALONE.**_


	7. SE7EN

**THE DAILY PROPHET**

**British-US relations strained!**

Following unconfirmed reports that Our Harry renounced any claim to the throne of the United States of America ("the UST"), rumours still abound that Our Harry may have secretly left for that country. It is not known if he has gone to claim the UST in spite of the genealogical evidence that he may not be entitled to it. His office would give us no confirmation of his whereabouts, but it is understood that Our Harry is not at Gryffindor Sound, nor is his wife or any of their entourage. (see our politics section in paragraph 40 of page 59)

Our genealogists are still working on the definitive version of Our Harry's family tree but it is, apparently, a more complex task than originally thought. We will update you as soon as our collaborative efforts with the Ministry have borne fruit.

In a further startling turn of genealogical events, Our Harry has renounced the Black titles and properties, and the Ministry's magical records show these are once again held by a member of the Black family. We are investigating who this scion of the Black family could be. (See pages 7, 8, 9 for the Black family tree.)

**Mustafa been a Wheeze!**

In further international shenanigans, the Daily Prophet has learnt that George Weasley (22), entrepreneur extraordinaire and one half of Weasley's Wizard Wheezes global empire has branched out into benign dictatorship of Somewhereistan.

Our sources in diaphanous somethings report that Our George, in a high stakes poker game, won the Sultanate from the current holder. It is, apparently, the traditional manner of accession once the current Sultan has run the Sultanate into the ground financially during his tenure. It is understood that Somewhereistan has a national debt of a squillion Galleons. However, we have also received reports that that it is a region rich in its own instant darkness powder and is the only known natural habitat for the ingredients of Amortentia which ... (see pages 12 and 13 for our special feature of the geological and financial facts of Somewhereistan)

In a surprising turn of events for the "confirmed bachelor", it is the law of the Sultanate that the Sultan takes six wives from the tribes of the Sultanate. We here at the Daily Prophet will not succumb to speculation at the level of the gutter as to how Our George may be taking this news. However, to assist him in his choice, for bikini shots of the current Sultana candidates, see centrefold.

**In other news:**

**_Stubby Boardman is Back!_**

The well-beloved rock singer and pole dancer has returned for a tour entitled "Grim Old Tour". The tour starts in Soho in one week's time and will be playing at venues in Tintagel, Amsterdam, Berlin and Hogsmeade (see pages 2 and 3).

The Bill of Rights for Merpeople passed in the Wizengamot yesterday. (See page 98)


	8. No 8

**THE DAILY PROPHET**

**DOES OUR MINISTER OF MAGIC POSSESS CHARMS WE KNOW NOT?**

Mr. Weasley was snapped yesterday with his arms rather (ahem) full of delicious blondes. See full photo spread. There has always been speculation at to the positively fecund nature of Mr. Weasley and his wife, Molly (nee Prewett) and we consider that it is safe to say that Mr. Weasley certainly practises what he preaches, as far as procreation laws are concerned. (See pages 7-8 for the latest photos of the Weasley quintuplets.) For the real story behind the pictures see page 89, paragraph 34.

**ANCIENT MARRIAGE LAW TO BE ENFORCED!**

_Not Again! cry Civil Liberties Campaigners, including Lord-Baron Snape and Stubby Boardman_

In a shock announcement by the Minister of Magic, Arthur Weasley, the ancient marriage law has been revived. Mr. Weasley said, "It has been brought to my attention that due to the effects of the war against Tom Riddle has decimated the magical population. In addition to the untold deaths and emigration from our country, we have sustained a birth rate that has fallen to historic lows. The Wizangamot passed a law in 1388 which is to be enforced. The following policies are now effective immediately.

"All unmarried witches and wizards aged 17 and above are required to marry within 6 months. Progeny is expected within the year. For those who have not found that 'special someone' the Ministry will provide a matchmaker. All witches above the age of forty are not required to register. All wizards are required to register."

Lord Lucius Malfoy issued a statement that, as one of the most ancient and pureblooded of all British families, he would ensure that his son, Draco, would produce an heir at the earliest convenient opportunity. Applications (subject to strict criteria) are invited to Lord and Lady Malfoy at Malfoy Manor, Wiltshire. Lord Malfoy requested that it be noted that the Malfoys are not equal opportunity providers.

Lord-Baron Snape could not be reached for comment on his marital status. His office stated, "Nik nik." Our translators have advised that Lord-Baron Snape, as Headmaster of Hogwarts, as well as educator of once and future Kings and Lords, is a tad busy for that kind of stuff and nonsense and wonders about the sexually discriminatory nature of the legislation.

Stubby Boardman's agent issued a somewhat tart statement saying, "Some of us already have unconventional marriages and do not wish to be pigeon-holed into arrangements just for procreation. We shouldn't all be forced into the same lifestyle as the Weasleys." Stubby has cancelled his tour dates in Britain and has left the country again for continental Europe to search for his unconventional spouse. This paper has tried to find out who this spouse might be, but the Boardman records appear to be sparse. Celestina Warbeck has been put forward, but she is married to ... (mindless speculation continued on pages 4 and 5)

**Mustafa Bin a Whirlwind Romance!**

Lord-Baron Snape has announced the first marriage of the Sultan of Somewhereistan. George Weasley (22), Sultan and entrepreneur extraordinaire and one half of Weasley's Wizard Wheezes global empire married Miss Audrey Rabanowitz, an exotic dancer from the United States of America, who plies her trade under the stage name of Vanessa Candy. It is not yet known how the new Sultana (24) (38-21-34) will be addressed, if she is dressed at all. (CCTV footage photos of the happy event are on pages 3, 4 and 5.)

It is understood that an emergency conference has been called by the Six Tribes of Somewhereistan as the Wives-Elect of the Sultan remain unmarried in flagrant contravention of the nation's millennia-old lores. It is further understood that fully-armed War Carpets have been stationed at that nation's borders. The Grand Vizier of Somewhereistan is set to invoke the Manhood-Shrivelling Curse if the lore remains unfulfilled (Continued on page 34.)


	9. Chapter 9

**WITCH WEEKLY**

**_SPECIAL HUSBANDRY ACT EDITION!_**

_Find Your Match!_

_Seven of the Hottest Bachelors (and how to attract them)!_

_Best Positions to Conceive Your Marriage Law Baby!_

_Eat Your Way into His Heart!_

_How to Dress to Win Your Man!_

* * *

**_#7 Rolf Scamander (28), Naturalist:_**Sure, Rolf is a little older than most of our bachelors, but with his rugged good looks, you won't care. Life with Rolf will be full of adventure as you travel the globe, searching for rare animals. Rolf's likes include blondes, Ravenclaws, and a girl who's willing to touch squishy things. You need not apply if... You can't leave your high heels in London, or you're constantly fixing your makeup. Where to find him: He's at the MInistry office, applying for a portkey to Tanzania.

* * *

**_#6 Colin Creevey (19), Staff Photographer:_** _Witch Weekly's_ own ace photographer also tours the world, but stays in hotels and photographs our fashion shoots. Life with Colin will be glamorous as you go from one exotic location to the next. A Gryffindor, Colin prefers the girls from his own house, but isn't choosy as long as the witch can have her bags packed at a moment's notice. You need not apply if... you're the jealous type. Witch Weekly employs beautiful models, but Colin promises to be true to his wife. Where to find him: He's at the MInistry, applying for a portkey to Mazatlan.

* * *

**_#5 Blaise Zabini (20), Entrepreneur:_** Blaise, a former Slytherin bad boy, tells us that he's really a sweetheart. "All any of us really wants is to be loved," he avers in a gentle voice that hits a girl right where it counts. Life with Blaise is a whirlwind of power lunches and charity balls, but he likes a girl who knows how to relax, too. Blaise likes a girl whose pearls look equally good with her basic black robe or a t-shirt and jeans. You need not apply if... you're timid. The life of an entrepreneur takes a strong stomach. Where to find him: He's at Rochelle's, the most exclusive restaurant on Diagon Alley.

* * *

**_#4 Ron Weasley (20), Auror:_** Ron, best friend of the Boy-who-lived, will have to suffice in lieu of Harry Potter, who's very married to the Witch-we'd-all-like-to-be. He's quite the catch in his own right. Tall and handsome, this yummy ginger treat comes from a family known for fecundity. Marry Ron and you're almost guaranteed a baby within that one-year deadline! Ron enjoys camping and Wizard's chess. He likes them smart and down to earth, girls! You need not apply if... You're a pushover. Ron likes to sharpen his wits with the occasional heated discussion. Where to find him: If he's not out fighting dark wizards, he's spending time with his parents and adorable baby siblings.

* * *

**_#3 Alastor Moody (67), Retired Auror:_** Known as Mad-Eye to friends and colleagues, Alastor is the oldest of our bachelors, but don't let that worry you. The fact that one of his legs is amputated means there's more energy where it counts. Make sure you wear your nicest underthings, he likes to check out his lady-love with his prosthetic eye from time to time. Just make sure you triple lock the door and draw the chain once he's home. You need not apply if... you're lazy and don't pay attention to what happens around you. Alastor likes a lady who's on her toes. Where to find him: He's often in the Auror office of the Ministry, training recruits and trading war stories.

* * *

**_#2 Oliver Wood, Puddlemere United Keeper (22):_** Handsome as all get-out at Hogwarts, Oliver just keeps getting better and better. His picture had us all swooning in the _Weekly_ copy-writers' room. As the new Puddlemere Keeper, Oliver has revolutionized the defensive strategy and increased attendance. We can honestly say the only team followed by more witches these days is the Harpies. Life with Oliver would be centered around the playing season, but the compensations are gorgeous. You need not apply if... You don't know a bludger from a goal. A witch who understands her husband's line of work is key, you know. Where to find him: Go to a Quidditch pitch. Find the end filled with screaming females. He's the only man there.

* * *

**_#1 Charles Weasley, Dragon Keeper (28):_** Perhaps not quite the best looking of our list, Charlie nevertheless has it all: good looks, charm, a kick-ass job, and oh yeah, his dad's the Minister. He's easily our choice for number one as well as this week's cover boy. From a large and eligible family (see sidebar, page 53), Charlie's almost guaranteed to satisfy your fantasies as well as the Ministry Laws. We've heard that he's been keeping company with a certain blonde dimwit, but that's not the same as being married. Life with Charlie would certainly be interesting, out in exotic places caring for dragons of all kinds. You need not apply if... You're not willing to body check airheads out of the way. Where to find him: We hear he's moving to Wales!


	10. The Tenth Portion

**WIZARD'S QUARTERLY (WQ)**

**Entertainment for Discriminating Wizards**

_Cover Story: Seven Most Eligible Witches (Will she be wicked for you?)_

_Pictorial: Post-Hogwarts Hotties (They'll huffle your puff, make your lion roar, sink their claws into you and make your snake happy!)_

_Trade-In or Keep: New Wife or Old Wife?_

_Obliviate! The Mistress Quandary_

_Fifteen Foolproof Ways to Propose _

* * *

Centerfold: Miss Lavender Brown

(36D-26-34)

Get your wands ready boys, Miss Brown is ready to paint the town as red as her lacquered nails!Here's her Centerfold Data Sheet:

**Name:** _Lavender Brown_

**Bust:** _36D_ **Waist:** _26_ **Hips:** _34_

**Height:** _5'5"_ **Weight:** _135_

**Birthdate:** _May 5, 1980_

**Ambitions:** _To become as skilled at Divination as my mentor, Professor Sybil Trelawney, and to have a big, happy family! Most of all to keep my wizard happy in EVERY way possible!_ (Little hand-drawn hearts follow)

**Turn-Ons:** _A man who knows what he wants, who won't waffle about and then change his mind for something OR SOMEONE that is obviously the wrong choice._

* * *

**_Seven Most Eligible Witches_**

_Since our illustrious Minister enacted the Ball and Chain Act readers have been divided; half of you lot don't want to be forced into getting hitched while the other half don't want to get hitched at all. Well lads, just like a handful of Bertie Botts' you never know what you're going to get. With these seven witches, though, we think you'll add the Minister to your Christmas Card list. _

* * *

**_6. & 7. Padma & Parvati Patil – A Double Helping of Oh Yes_**

_We tried to decide on whether it should be Padma or Parvati but in the end we just threw up our hands and said 'yes, please.' We're sure you lads are more than willing to discover the differences between the sisters. Apparently both of the girls are training to be Healers, and I'm sure we'd like to see their bedside techniques. (Fecundity Rating: 7.5)_

* * *

**_5. Hannah Abbot – Definitely Has Something Cooking_**

_Fancy a drink? Fancy a nice meal? Want something more than your typical lass? Hannah Abbot is one collection of curves that will treat you right, girl who's making all the changes at The Leaky Cauldron could make a big change in your life. Rumor has it that you'd better provide an appetite because she most definitely does, if you know what we mean. Was a Hufflepuff so you know she'll get on with your mum. But after seeing her pics? Who cares what dear ol' mum thinks. (Fecundity Rating: 8.4)_

* * *

**_4. Lavender Brown – I See Something Wild in Your Future_**

_After seeing this month's centrefold you blokes might want to put her up a little higher on the list. Lav-Lav's a fan of divination and we here at WQ tend to agree; those curves are divine, all right. If you're a Quidditch man or interested in…oh who are we kidding. Just look at those! And that! What are you waiting for, boys? (Fecundity Rating: 8.3)_

* * *

**_3. Ginny Weasley/Pansy Parkinson – Are You Feeling Adventurous?_**

_Marry one, get one free? Perhaps. Word on the street is that Miss Weasley and Miss Parkinson are a bit of an item. A lion on one arm and a snake on the other? You lucky bastard.. Maybe you can get the new Sultan of Somewhereistan to grant you residency so you can marry them both. It'll take a special type of guy to handle these two. Extra bonus is that it doesn't matter what side you were on in the war, you're covered! (Fecundity Rating: 10 [She is a Weasley] and 7.9)_

* * *

**_2. Gwenog Jones - The Professional_**

_Fame, wealth, a legend in her sport and as fit as possible...you'd better bring your A game if you want to tame this Harpy. But have you seen those leaked locker room pictures? We'd love to put a Quaffle in her goal. Plus you know she knows her way around a broom polishing kit. Better get in line, though, word on the pitch is that lovely Gwenog has been seen canoodling with Viktor Krum. There's the whistle, get going! (Fecundity Rating: 8.5)_

* * *

Was there any doubt, lads?

**_1. Gabrielle Delacour - The Blonde Bombshell_**

_Natural blonde? Check. Veela heritage? Check. So hot your cauldron bottom would fall out? Check. Number one on the Drool List for sixteen weeks straight? Double Check Plus. This gal has even surpassed her older sister, and that's saying something. French wines only get better with age, and from the paparazzi pics we have starting on page 17? The ones from that French beach, you know, the topless one? She can inspect our Beauxbaton any time. Oooh la la indeed. (Fecundity Rating: 8.8)_

* * *

**WQ Advisor Letters**

_Dear WQ Advisor,_

_I've been a subscriber since 1984, and I have to say the new direction is wonderful! I have a problem, though. As an older wizard I'm worried that all the young and desirable witches won't give me a second glance. I'm not the best looking guy, and my prospects aren't the best. I've got a job and a house, though. What can I do to catch a good one?_

_Signed,_

_Anxious in Alford_

**WQ Advisor writes:**

Dear Anxious,

Worried that all the young bucks will snap up all the fit birds before you get a chance? There is something to be said for patience, if you're willing to look a little beyond our centrefolds. Waiting may be your best opportunity, as the sense of urgency for older witches will be at a fever pitch towards the deadline. There's a lot to be said for the older crowd; they're more experienced, their clock is definitely ticking and they'll be desperate.

If you don't feel like waiting there's always Magical Match. You'll know them from their adverts in the back. Send in your profile and a few Galleons and they'll match you up with someone. They even have a Galleon Back Guarantee!

Or you could always stop by Knockturn Alley for a few love potions, but you didn't hear it from us.

Best bet is to wait around the Marriage License Bureau at the Ministry towards the deadline with a ring, some flowers and a Gringotts' statement. We suggest a copy of Lord-Baron Potter Black's statement.


	11. 11th Parte

**THE DAILY PROPHET**

**CHARLES WEASLEY GETS THE DROP ON WITCH WEEKLY!**

In an investigation by our very own Marietta Edgecombe, the rather lovely Charles, second eldest son of Minister for Magic, married in a rush ceremony at Gretna Green, destroying the hopes of unwed witches, young and old alike, especially after Witch Weekly declared so loudly that he was available and willing. We expect, indeed hope, that the tawdry publication will be inundated with complaints for having so soundly deceived so many hopes and dreams. Address of the publication and its editor's home address are on p. 36.

Charles, 25, (_photograph shows a beaming Charlie, in leather trousers and open waistcoat, astride a dragon rampant, holding his hat out as if at a rodeo)_ married Luna Lovegood, 19, a near neighbour. Luna is the only child of Xenophilius Lovegood, proprietor and editor of the rather facile publication, _The Quibbler_. An odd girl (but given her parentage, how could she not be?), many may be asking how it is that the girl next door with no noticeable beauty or charm, could have attracted such a confirmed, indeed notorious, bachelor. (See _Me, Myself & I_ on undetectable Amortentia.)

Marietta and our photographer, Silas Greebie, have been camped out at Gretna Green to bring you all such rushed weddings as they happen. (See photograph of the new Mr. & Mrs. Chas. Weasley, the bride sporting a gown made of what appears to be dragon scales. Further Gretna Green photos are on pages 5-8. See special offer on Engagement Announcements, Wedding Notices and Birth Notices, if booked together.)

**IN OTHER NEWS**

**BRITAIN ON THE BRINK OF WAR!**

**Britain faces war on two fronts**

The six tribes of Somewhereistan were only seconds away from declaring war on wizarding Britain until the timely intervention of Lord-Baron-Ambassador Snape who has set the date for the wedding of Sultan George Weasley for the next full moon. Whilst no-one here at the Daily Prophet would ever underestimate the staying power or fecundity of a Weasley, even we wonder whether Sultan George will enlist the aid of his identical twin, Fred.

_Six photographs show each bride with a little paragraph for each one._

The Sultanas-Elect are all 17 years of age, and each was homeschooled.

Samira, bride of the Panir tribe. Samira's interest are cookery and Necromancy.

Bubbles, bride of the Joojeh tribe, who enjoys huntin', shootin' 'n' fishin'.

Fatima, bridge of the Kahoo tribe, who enjoys Quidditch and broom eventing.

Eunifra, bride of the Soop tribe, a black belt in Rip-Ping-Rawr, a middle-eastern marital art and member of the Territorial Army, ninja brigade.

Afri, bride of the tribe-with-no-name who wants to help old people and attain world peace.

Scheherazade, the bride of the Sabzi tribe, hopes to publish her first novel, **_1001 Shades of Sand,_** soon.

The Daily Prophet says, "George! Do your duty for Britain!"

In addition to this diplomatic quandary, the United States of America is pressing very hard at the Muggle government of Britain to hand over their monarch. Five children have been identified so far, but it is believed that another two may be in existence and until this is ascertained, and which is the eldest, the Muggle government is resisting all efforts at extradition. (For more on this dangerous state of affairs, see back page, after the Horoscopes.)


	12. Chapter 12

**THE DAILY PROPHET**

**GEORGE WEASLEY KEEPS US GUESSING!**

This paper avidly awaits news of the six forthcoming royal weddings. Lord-Baron-Ambassador Snape has been charged by the Ministry for ensuring the preparations are made and war is averted by having the nuptials in good time. As a former pupil of the esteemed LBAS, the writer is hoping that he will not bring his own limited colour palette to the proceedings, and this paper is honoured to offer its bright young team of fashionistas to the royal entourage for any assistance with the wedding preparations (for photographic exclusivity alone).

This publication very much hopes that Geo. Weasley will honour his bets with the outgoing Sultan and demonstrate what a potent potentate a British Weasley can be!

**_BRITAIN BACKS GEORGE!_**

**RECORD REGISTRATIONS FOR WEDDINGS**

Perhaps unsurprisingly, applications for weddings has rocketed as alliances are being forged amongst all ranks of wizarding Britain. Given the nature of the legislation, the number of applications for soul-bondings has remained static. The Ministry hopes, however, that once married, the couples will find true love and soul-bondings will rise accordingly.

This paper's very own Marietta Edgecombe is the delighted bride-to-be of Draco Malfoy, heir to the Malfoy estates. (_Photo shows Draco with a half-smile, and a brightly smiling Marietta with her hands clutching his upper arm painfully. Lucius and Narcissa stand behind them smiling, but their eyes are cold.) _"Sometimes," beautiful young Marietta sighed prettily, "just a nudge is needed to push love in the right direction."

**BRITAIN'S BORDERS NOW UNDER SEIGE!**

The Grand Vizier of Somewhereistan and the Keeper of the Privy Seat [sic] have joined forces to lay seige to Britain's borders. Fully armed war carpets range across the north and east of the country, whilst Rocky Mountain Ridged Knuckle Dragons are encamped in Ireland under an Invisibility Charm. Both are demanding their absolute monarchs submit to their peoples' wills.

**In other news:**

There was a disturbance at the Ministry of Magic reception yesterday when a dear old fellow presented himself as Merlin Emrys to reception and refused to hand over his wand, claiming that only a child needed a wand, certainly not the greatest Mage of all time. As pyschotically disturbed as he was, it took twelve Aurors to subdue him and remove him to St. Mungo's for sectioning. It is understood that his next-of-kin have come forward.


	13. Thirteenth Chapter

**THE DAILY PROPHET**

**TIME SHIFT SPECIAL!**

**Department of Mysteries Mystified!**

**Unspeakables Speechless!**

Despite extensive investigations, the papers has still been unable to obtain any information from the Ministry of the time shift all magical beings and beasts experienced yesterday. Other magical governments around the world have reported the same happening. Although no time was perceived to have passed when we all returned, every person so far questioned believed themselves to have been away for some hours. See pages 8 - 16 of interesting stories of our readers, such as "One draught of mead with Sir Bedevere and did he live up to his name!" and "Lancelot the Prancelot" and "Who knew Malfoy Manor sat atop a Plague pit?" and much, much more.

A number of health issues have been reported, including the concern of some time-shifted pregnancies through rather rapid liaisons and other existing conditions being accelerated, including existing pregnancies.

The toll of injuries and magical maladies, long since eradicated, is increasing. A number of people have presented themselves to their Healers with symptoms of Dragon Pox in its original form, together with Sorceror's Ague, extinct for seven hundred years, and Witch's Cobblers, a disfiguring disease considered eradicated from the mid-19th century and Cholera (by health fanatics who drank the water, not the mead!).

In the main news, Our Harry is still critically wounded by dragon's blood from heroic struggles with an extinct form of draconis and it is understood that top Healers are working on his cure. Our sources advise that some progress is being made, but there have been side effects. So far, we have been unable to obtain information for you about the nature of these.

It is also our sad duty to report the cruel and jocular manner in which poor Harry's wife has treated her heroic husband's maladies. This paper would never wish to dwell unduly on the misfortunes of others, especially on the saviour of the Wizarding world, however, it was reported that ... (continued on pages 2, 3, 4, 5) (see centre pages for full colour photographs of Harry's wife and unknown accomplice in Shotz club, a Muggle establishment of ill-repute, and their drunken antics on the clockface of Big Ben.)

**Our Prayers Are With You Harry!**

**INVASION POSTPONED!**

The Grand Vizier of Somewhereistan and the Keeper of the Privy Seat [sic] have confirmed that their invasion forces have returned home for a short while to deal with the aftermath of the time shift which, given each country's history at 432 B.C., has proved quite mind-numbing for those temporally disturbed. It is understood that Lord-Baron Snape has the situation under control. Full report in our Politics Section (see paragraph 76 on page 59).

**In other news:**

There have been growing reports of a new supremacist faction which is lead by a man named Baron Barrygrew. There have been no sightings of Baron Barrygrew himself reported, but his Ice Cream Eaters having been causing disturbances over London and Kettering. So far, the Department of Magical Law Enforcement has refused to comment. When our roving reporter has more news, this paper will be the first to bring it to you!


	14. No 14

**THE DAILY PROPHET**

**OH MERLIN!**

The wizarding world of academia was thrown into turmoil yesterday when the Hogwarts Sorting Hat (believed to be an enchanted remnant of Merlin himself) declared a new house for students. This will be the house of Merlin.

At the Sorting Ceremony at the Welcoming Feast (which most of us remember with such fondness), the Hat announced the new house of Merlin, when it was placed on the head of the adopted son of Lord Baron Headmaster Snape, Aconite. Aconite himself (whose birth records have been sealed) is a multiple breed mer-wolf. Who knows what dangers the child could pose to our children whose safety we have reposed in the once-thought capable hands of Lord Baron Headmaster Snape? It is known that Aconite has a Cornish pixie for a familiar, unusual in itself as they are creatures of unpleasant and aggressive disposition. What should the wizarding world think of that?

Aconite is one of a number of children entering Hogwarts this year that previously would have been denied admission. It is so far known that there are three werewolves, a vampire, part-fairy, part-troll, two merchildren, a centaur, a Gallifreyan time lord and a Klingon. Whilst admitted that not all of these unusual admissions are in the new house of Merlin, half of them are, which is surely indicative.

The paper understands that Lord Baron Headmaster Snape means well, but has he really thought this through? What the Founders would have thought of this development is certainly open to interpretation and the writer is sceptical that this can be a move for good. The Sorting Hat's second song on the castle's creation of the new house is set out in full at page 3.

Lord Malfoy commented, "Such an august institution has once again fallen prey to the depredations of political correctness gone mad or perhaps a powerful Confundus Charm. No Founder was a magical half-breed or dark creature so it must be that the school has divided itself to protect its magical humans from the taint of bestial blood."

Lord Baron Headmaster Snape issued a statement in response as follows:

_"Hogwarts has been educating the wizards and witches of Britain for a millennium. It is entirely appropriate that as we enter a new millennium, just as the Ministry has now recognised the rights of sentient magical beings so Hogwarts itself recognises that humans are not the only beings with magic, and nor are humans the only ones deserving of education. Education, after all, enlightens us all to become more civilised and ..._(continued on page 96, para 78)

**About the House of Merlin**

The house of Merlin's shield is Merlin's staff standing next to the sword Excalibur, with the motto: _To all that unites us. _The house colours are dark amethyst and mother of pearl white. It is reported that the colours of the robes can be seen with greater depth and complexity depending upon the magical ability and extra senses the observer had. The writer considers this to be nonsense: the robes are clearly merely purple and white. (See our full page pull-out on the robes and house crest.)

The new common room and dormitories have special magical accesses to the grounds and lake for their 'special' students. Merlin's head of house is Larry Lupin-Potter, Baron Potter's half-twin, in charge of relationships and counselling as well as part-time professor of Defence against the Dark Arts. It is understood that Harry himself was to share the role with his half-twin, but it appears that this part-time role has, in fact, been taken by Percival Weasley, former head boy of Hogwarts, and clearly taking after his biological father in his steady rise to power!

**In other news:**

A short statement has been issued by the Ministry and by Gringotts Bank that all diplomatic relations between Britain, Gringotts and Somewhereistan have been severed to the mutual satisfaction of all parties and announced that our very own George Weasley has renounced all claim to the sultanate and the delcious prospect of six wives. Mr. Geo. Weasley could not be contacted for comment at this time. Photographs of the meeting are on pages 4 and 5. It was a tense time for a short while, but your roving reporter can confirm that war was averted quite easily, and (disappointingly) not even a single punch or Goblin-made dagger was thrown. (For a full report of the meeting, see _Overseas Politics_ section, p. 103.)

However, American wizarding troops have returned to their encampment in Ireland. The Keeper of the Privy Seat [sic] has announced that their genealogical enquiries have shown that their monarch is one Philidora Black-Potter, the child of Lily Potter (nee Evans) and Sirius Black. The American cabinet-in-waiting has confirmed that it will release the whole genealogy to the Ministry, but in the interim, it has confirmed that Philidora is a part sibling by multiple birth of our very own Baron Potter, Harry. This paper understands that Philidora (or PJ as she is known to her adoptive parents) is a squib. The Daily Prophet can see no reason why we should deprive America of its rightful monarch and joins the calls for their squib Queen to be restored to them.


	15. 10 plus 5

**THE DAILY PROPHET**

**Sham and Shambles!**

WBC (Wizarding Broadcasting Corporation) carried a live broadcast from the Minister of Magic yesterday announcing that the Marriage Act may be repealed but only if there is a full convention of the Wizengamot. The intention is to repeal the law and offer annulments to those for whom the enforced marriage has no been a success, and reparations where appropriate. The Ministry will issue guidance on both of those procedures if the law is successfully repealed.

The Minister, a veritable paragon of nuptial bliss and procreation himself, recently having brought forth quintuplets without any magi-medical assistance by his ageing wife, Molly, had been seen to be at the forefront of a magical population revival. This dramatic U-turn, after dramatically decreasing the time limit for enforced marriages only last week, has led a number of high level political commentators to question Mr. Weasley's values, if not his judgement. Our own commentator, Marietta Edgecombe-Malfoy sets out in our editorial our views in _Sham and Shambles: The Minister's Feeble Attempt to Assist Magical Procreation._ See page 40.

For a full pull-out on successful Marriage Act unions, see centre pages, including our very own Marietta Edgecombe-Malfoy (large inset photograph). Mr. Seamus Finnegan, beaming happily next to his ample and capable wife, Millicent (20) (40-34-40), said, "I never knew I could be this happy! And boy, can she cook! Without the Marriage Act, I would never have known this happiness!"

When asked about whether these happy couples would be seeking the Minister's annulment, our lovely Marietta squeezed her husband happily. "Oh no! I will never be without him now I have him." Mr. Malfoy, heir to the Malfoy inheritance, pale after a recent illness, Marietta told us, smiled in agreement. Mr. Finnegan gave no further comment.

Civil rights campaigners, led by Stubby Boardman from the continent, have welcomed the Minister's statement as a welcome return to the values of the twentieth century. When asked if he will reinstate his tour dates in Britain, our Stubby replied, "Only when that foul law is gone!" He added with a ravishing smile and a wink, "However, if you miss me, my phonograph album, _Under the Boardman_ is available for owl order now."

A full convention of the Wizengamot has not been seen since the passing of the International Statute of Secrecy of 1689. All judges of the Wizengamot would be required to sit in full session and the repeal of the law would need to be unanimous. This paper thinks it highly unlikely that our legislature would be able to act with consensus ad idem. For a full discussion of the history of political consensus, see paragraph 38 of page 101.

**Did the Earth Move for You?**

Seismic disburbances were felt throughout wizarding Britain yesterday, prior to the Minister's broadcast. A number of wizards have asked whether the gods have been angered. The Ministry issued a hurried statement that no gods of any order, pagan or otherwise, have been irritated, annoyed, incensed or in any way tampered with by the Ministry. Photographs of the disturbances can be found at pages 3, 4 and 5. There were no casualties of importance, although some Muggles were buried alive in their subterranean train passages.


	16. Chapter XVI

**THE DAILY PROPHET**

**Terror at Hogwarts!**

Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, an institution considered unassailable by the forces of Dark Magic due to its ancient protective enchantments was cracked open like a walnut yesterday and Aconite Snape, 11, Lord-Baron Headmaster Snape's adopted son, was possessed and taken by demons into the demon dimensions, our sources tell us. Slytherin prefects, Pugsly Nott and Clytemnestra Crabbe, described the scene of utter devastation as the Minister for Magic's wife, now Home Economics mistress at Hogwarts, allowed the whole school to descend into utter anarchy.

"There must have been so much negative energy, all generated by the pupils of Merlin House, that the evil spirits gained access to the school. My father said it was always dubious have so many dark creatures amassed under the roof of Hogwarts. It was bound to test the defences of the school."

Aconite (see left) is a mer-wolf, until his parent (Professor Larry Lupin), a hitherto unknown aggregation of wizard, dark creature and magical being. Many in the magical world have conjectured that Lord-Baron Headmaster Snape himself may have been instrumental in creating such an abomination as part of a plot to overrun the magical world with dark creatures. Lord Malfoy issued a statement insisting that, "Any experiment that our dear Severus may have undertaken was, I am sure, well-meant, if not appropriate."

This paper understands that Lord Malfoy is to convene a meeting of the Board of Governors as soon as possible to consider the dismantling of the House of Merlin.

Lord Black issued a statement as follows: "It is clear that Hogwarts itself chose to institute a new House, and has welcomed the new students in its time-honoured tradition of placing them in the most appropriate House. Not all magical beings have been placed in the House of Merlin. Many are interspersed in the other Houses too. For Malfoy to suggest otherwise shows he has his head up his pure-blood ****."

Lord Malfoy could not be reached for further comment.

**Wizengamot breaks up in Chaos**

The first full session of the Wizengamot since 1659, convened to discuss the repeal of the Marriage Law, broke up in chaos as the news was brought to Lord-Baron Headmaster Snape by Fawkes the Phoenix, the only magical creature to be able to Apparate directly into the Wizengamot since time immemorial. Lord-Baron Headmaster Snape announced the terrifying news to the Wizengamot and Disapparated with Fawkes. All efforts to contact Lord-Baron Headmaster Snape have since failed. (For our 'cut-out and keep' souvenir pull-out on Fawkes, including his biography, see centre pages.)

Baron Potter and his lovely wife, Nymphadora, (25) (34-22-35) and Lord Black also immediately left for Hogwarts to render assistance. The Minister himself sent all available members of the Magical Law Enforcement department and a crack squad of Unspeakables to investigate.

In the meantime, Mr. Weasley has urged the Wizarding World not to panic. All the other children at Hogwarts are safe and accounted for.

Lord Malfoy, together with Baron Belby and Viscount Biskyt, called for a judicial enquiry into the incident.

**Whither the Marriage Law?**

The Marriage Law remains on the statute books due to the chaotic ending of the session of the Wizengamot. See our editorial by Marietta Edgecombe-Malfoy, _Marriage Law by Divine Providence?_

**Disappearance of Ancient Estate: Is Snape Dead?**

Not only have Snape senior and junior disappeared, the ancient magical estate of Merlin-Nimue-Prince-Spinner's End-Snape-Hogsmeade has once again extinguished itself from the Magical Roll of Estates. It will only to open itself to the next male heir when he reaches his majority. Loren Cholmondley-Warner of the Department of Mysteries would neither confirm nor deny the apparent death of both Severus Snape and his adopted son. A statement was issued that there were other doors as well as death, which this writer finds rather fatuous.

**WANTED**

The post of Head of Hogwarts is now open for application. Lord Malfoy invites applications to the Board of Governors. No advancement will be considered automatic and no teaching experience necessary.


End file.
